Avoid = A void that is permanently in my heart

Lately I find myself avoiding anything that has to do with Eli and Hunter. I dont want to talk about it, write about it, think about it....I just avoid it.  Maybe its part of the healing process or maybe its because I have let what other people think get to me.  I have a hard time keeping my emotions in check when this subject comes up, I feel all over the place.  Happy to hear their names and think of them, sad that I will never get to watch them grow, but most of all it just makes me angry.  People dont understand the way I grieve, someone has a mean comment to make, nobody feels the pain like I do(aside from my amazing husband).  I struggle with knowing what is right and what is wrong.  I want to believe that they were our babies, I want everyone to see that loving them has nothing to do with who gave birth to them or not.  I dont want to believe we were just part of a failed adoption, I hate having to defend how I feel.  I hate wondering if maybe those people are right, its like a constant battle inside me.  Always wondering if I should speak up for them and keep their memory alive by talking about them or if I should just keep it to myself? It just seems easier to avoid it all together, but by doing that I feel like I am failing them.  I just wish I could make the world see the pain this has caused us, I wish I could make them understand how we think, how we feel....Its not like we are asking anyone to understand why we committed a crime, all we are asking is for everyone to understand why we feel the way we do, why we fight so hard to defend our right to be their parents, why we will continue to fight for the rest of our lives to honor our sweet baby boys.