One week down

I would give anything to go back in time to a week ago.  A week ago we were excited to be finding out the sex of our baby, to be picking out nursery decor.  All of that was ripped away from us in just a few short words.  I still can not believe they are gone, sometimes I catch myself getting excited about bringing them home and then I remember.  I have so many emotions going on in my head, I dont know what to think.  I am so incrediably sad that I will never hold my baby boys.  I will never get to teach them new things or watch them grow.  I am so angry that this has happend to us, we have been through so much and now this on top of it all?   Why would God allow us to even know about these babies if it just meant we would loose them before ever seeing them?  Happy that they dont have to live on this Earth and experience all the hurt it has.  I try to tell myself that they were to good for Earth, they were so special that God needed them in Heaven more than we needed them with us.  But there are moments of weakness when I just break down and cry because I miss them, I want them back.  People say there are other children that need to be adopted, or not to give up on adoption because there is another baby out there for us.  I dont want another baby, I want those babies.  I struggle to know if Im grieving to much, not grieving enough, being to sad, laughing to soon.  How do you know what is the proper way to grieve? The pain is real, it hurts like a knife has been perminately stabbed into your chest and sometimes it hurts to breathe.  I scheduled us an appointment with a grief and loss therapist.  Hopefully she can help us make some sense of this. 

We have plans next weekend to go up and meet the birth mother to the boys so we can have our copies of their birth and death certificates as well as hand and feet prints.  I think that all of us need to do this to help us get closure.  While we are up there we plan on getting tattoos in memory of the boys.  Somehow I feel like this will help me feel closer to them, like a part of them will forever be on my body. 

Broken

The numbness is wearing off and underneath it is the worst pain I have ever felt.  I feel so broken, completely shattered.  I might not have grown these boys under my heart like most mothers do, but I did grow them in my heart.  It does not matter how you go about becoming parents, the natural way, IVF, adoption.  It's all the same, not one person loves their child more or less because of the situation.  It makes me so angry when people try to down play how devastated we are because they seem to think how could we be so devastated when they were not even our children.  But they were, we loved them from the moment we found out and we always will.  These little boys were born alive they fought for their lives, and had they lived we would have became their "LEGAL" parents.  The laws seem so unfair when it comes to adoption.  Because our boys passed away we were not able to legally adopt them.  The laws state that the child must be alive in order for an adoption to take place.  It all just seems so unfair......not only for us but for the Birth Parents as well.  Sometimes I feel selfish for feeling how I feel, for feeling completely broken.  I am not the only mother in this.  Our boys Birth Mom chose life for them in the beginning of all of this.  She chose to give them a better life than she knew she could provide for them.  She was not giving her babies away because she simply did not want them or did not love them.  It takes a very strong unselfish person to place their child into the arms of someone else.  We will forever be thankful for her gift to us, even if it was for a few short months.....the love felt for these precious babies will last us a lifetime.  She gave us our dream, a dream to become parents.   Even if our babies are in heaven, we got a chance to feel what its like to love a child....your own child. 

Our little Warriors

On January 21st our twin baby boys came into this world fighting so hard.  They were just not strong enough to survive.  Eli Thomas was born at 11:49am and passed away shortly after birth and Hunter Luke was born at 11:54am and passed away at 5:00pm.  Our little Warriors will always be in our hearts and will forever be loved.  Words can not describe how heart broken and devistated we are.  Were just taking it day by day and praying for the strenght to get through this. 

Pink or Blue

Pink or Blue??  That is the main question in our house lately!!  We are so excited to find out if our precious baby will be a boy or a girl!  Just two weeks from today and we find out if we will be decorating a pink girly nursery or a blue sports themed nursery.  Either way, this baby will be so very LOVED.  It does not matter to us what the sex is, we just want to be parents. We have picked out furniture, bedding, stroller, carseat, pack n play, high chair, ect for a boy and for a girl.  We are just waiting to find out if it will be PINK or BLUE before we buy anything!! I finally feel like our dreams are coming true,  all either one of us ever wanted was to have a family of our own.  A child to love and cherish, to create memories, and start family traditions with. 

This is the nursery we have decided on for a boy.
 


and this is the girls nursery we have decided on.

A blank Page

Apparently blogging is the new black, and it looks fabulous on everyone else, so I'm dying to try it. I'm SO inspired by the creativity of my favorite bloggers, and I've been wanting to do it simply because it looks like SO much fun, and it gives me the opportunity to share my creativity and update friends and family about our life.  It's like an empty scrapbook that is begging to be filled, a trip to the beach on a hot sunny day, catching up with an old friend over a cup of coffee.  SO......here it is, MY blank page.......I plan to fill this with the latest happenings in our life, our journey to adoption, our relocation to another country, and a place to share my paper crafting addiction!