One week down

I would give anything to go back in time to a week ago.  A week ago we were excited to be finding out the sex of our baby, to be picking out nursery decor.  All of that was ripped away from us in just a few short words.  I still can not believe they are gone, sometimes I catch myself getting excited about bringing them home and then I remember.  I have so many emotions going on in my head, I dont know what to think.  I am so incrediably sad that I will never hold my baby boys.  I will never get to teach them new things or watch them grow.  I am so angry that this has happend to us, we have been through so much and now this on top of it all?   Why would God allow us to even know about these babies if it just meant we would loose them before ever seeing them?  Happy that they dont have to live on this Earth and experience all the hurt it has.  I try to tell myself that they were to good for Earth, they were so special that God needed them in Heaven more than we needed them with us.  But there are moments of weakness when I just break down and cry because I miss them, I want them back.  People say there are other children that need to be adopted, or not to give up on adoption because there is another baby out there for us.  I dont want another baby, I want those babies.  I struggle to know if Im grieving to much, not grieving enough, being to sad, laughing to soon.  How do you know what is the proper way to grieve? The pain is real, it hurts like a knife has been perminately stabbed into your chest and sometimes it hurts to breathe.  I scheduled us an appointment with a grief and loss therapist.  Hopefully she can help us make some sense of this. 

We have plans next weekend to go up and meet the birth mother to the boys so we can have our copies of their birth and death certificates as well as hand and feet prints.  I think that all of us need to do this to help us get closure.  While we are up there we plan on getting tattoos in memory of the boys.  Somehow I feel like this will help me feel closer to them, like a part of them will forever be on my body.