Broken

The numbness is wearing off and underneath it is the worst pain I have ever felt.  I feel so broken, completely shattered.  I might not have grown these boys under my heart like most mothers do, but I did grow them in my heart.  It does not matter how you go about becoming parents, the natural way, IVF, adoption.  It's all the same, not one person loves their child more or less because of the situation.  It makes me so angry when people try to down play how devastated we are because they seem to think how could we be so devastated when they were not even our children.  But they were, we loved them from the moment we found out and we always will.  These little boys were born alive they fought for their lives, and had they lived we would have became their "LEGAL" parents.  The laws seem so unfair when it comes to adoption.  Because our boys passed away we were not able to legally adopt them.  The laws state that the child must be alive in order for an adoption to take place.  It all just seems so unfair......not only for us but for the Birth Parents as well.  Sometimes I feel selfish for feeling how I feel, for feeling completely broken.  I am not the only mother in this.  Our boys Birth Mom chose life for them in the beginning of all of this.  She chose to give them a better life than she knew she could provide for them.  She was not giving her babies away because she simply did not want them or did not love them.  It takes a very strong unselfish person to place their child into the arms of someone else.  We will forever be thankful for her gift to us, even if it was for a few short months.....the love felt for these precious babies will last us a lifetime.  She gave us our dream, a dream to become parents.   Even if our babies are in heaven, we got a chance to feel what its like to love a child....your own child.